Playing a broken record in a fog

I remember that my granddad had a record player. Growing up, I had a fetish for a particular vinyl record - My fair Lady - a very famous broadway play and later a film - the beautiful heart warming story of Miss Eliza Dolittle's journey from rags to riches. One fine day, in my urgency to listen to the song, "Wouldn't it be loverly", I somehow dropped the record on the floor and it broke. When I payed it thereafter, it sounded like this: "Wouldn't it be loverly" - be loverly be loverly.....etc. My grand dad came out of the other room and with burning eyes and a booming voice said "You're stupid. You're always making mistakes". That scarred my emotions. I lost confidence. I wasnt allowed to listen to the vinyl player for a long time. I felt in a daze as if a thick fog had descended and left me unsure of which way to turn. I felt frustrated and angry, but there'd be nothing I could do to the fog to relieve the frustration. Punching the fog, throwing missiles at it or cursing it would leave it unaffected.

Broken record and fogs are not what I wish to talk about. At least not yet anyway. But as we'll see, they form very good metaphors for techniques that can be used to overcome mental states such as such as the one I had after the admonishment. Till recently I could never handle criticism properly. I never used to be able to say "No" decidedly. That was till I read a book called- "when I say no, I feel guilty". Clinical-experimental psychologist and a therapist in private practice, Dr. Manuel J. Smith is the author of the book. The book's an international best seller, having sold over 2 million copies worldwide. Today, I would like to talk about few ideas expressed in that book and how they helped me become a better person overall and how they can help us become more assertive.

Before we go into the details of the book, let's consider the various types of communication as listed by many psychologists

1. Aggressive Communication

Aggression is a defensive reaction where we tend to shout, demean the other person or somehow try to lower anohter person's self belief. The benefit is a temporary sense of power or control, but the downside is that aggressive behaviour fractures relationships and embitters us.

2. Passive Communication

The flip side of aggression is passive communication. Like aggressive communication it stems from similar feelings of insecurity and low self esteem, but when we behave passively we put ourselves down, rather than the other. We avoid expressing our feelings and needs, we ignore our own rights and allow others to infringe on our rights, perhaps by choosing for us. We don't usually get what we want and we can end up feeling even worse about ourselves.


Say we go to a shop - a pestering salesman is so persistent - you give up and passively end up buying that item and in turn feeling frustrated.

Or when we are already swamped with work but a colleague asks us to contribute to another project - we passively end up saying Yes - and end up performing miserably in both our primary task as well as his, not to talk about our personal frustration.

3. Passive aggressive or Manipulative Communication

Many times we try to emotionally blackmail the other person into doing something they dont really like: say you want your friend to help you out on your project despite his preoccupation: "Can't you do this for me? What kind of a friend are you?" The other person ends up hating us hating us in the long run.
4. And then, there's Assertive Communication
If we are assertive, we can defend our personal rights -especially to be happy and learn to cope with manipulative behaviour of such people.

Let me mention some of the techniques the book outlines:


1. Fogging

Fogging involves using words that acknowledge the other person's point of view, and accepting that it might be true under circumstances, but without necessarily accepting it is true of you. Fogging is particularly powerful if you are able to restate the other person's opinion in a way that could be true of anyone or everyone:

You're stupid
-That could be true. We all have a stupid side to ourselves.

You're always making mistakes
-To err is human.

Just as you can't fight a fog so your critic can't fight fogging because it robs your critic's words of their destructive power. By refusing to become upset or angry in the face of criticism, you're denying your critic the satisfaction of seeing you being intimidated and disempowered. Phrases typically used when fogging include: 'That could be true', 'You're probably right'. 'Sometimes I think so myself', 'I agree', 'That's true', 'You're right' and 'You have a point there.' A phrase that is never used when fogging, but is constantly implied, is: 'So what?'


Of course if the police charge you with murder, you can't say "You have a point there, we all commit murder sometimes". That wouldn't work!


2. Negative Assertion

For all the positives of assertion, there is a technique called Negetive assertion. How can you avoid guilt in cases you know you are wrong?

Negative assertion involves accepting the truthful part of a criticism made against you, and stating it in positive terms. Eg:


You're stupid !
-Well, Im not the most intelligent person who has ever walked on the planet. (I am unintelligent compared to say Albert Einstein).

You're always making mistakes
-I have to admit, I'm not perfect


3. Negative Enquiry

This technique requires a lot of self-confidence. When someone is attacking or criticizing you, you ask them for constructive criticism ie: what they think you are doing wrong, and what you could do differently to be better.

You're stupid
-Oh, what specifically am I not understanding?

Your application doesn't work
-Well which specific functionality doesn't work?


4. Broken Record

This technique is usually only appropriate in situations where you do not have a long term relationship with the other person, and your rights are being contravened (eg: when a shop assistant refuses to accept the return of a faulty item). It can sometimes be used, however, where you are short of time.

In this technique, you simple keep asserting your rights. It is sometimes important that you understand your rights, and are able to quote reliable sources.
Eg:Recently I bought a mouse (electronic, not biological!) but after using it for a day, I noticed that it had a scratch! Here's how the conversation with the shop floor assistant went when I went for a refund:

This item is faulty. As per the policy printed in the receipt, I am entitled to a refund and I want my money back.

-I've got to go to a meeting. I don't have time to talk about this now.

I understand that you are in a hurry. But I want it refunded.

-OK let me look at it. Hey this is a minor scratch you can use this I'm sure.

I realize that it's a minor scratch but I don't like it and I want my money refunded.

-Well OK, let me see...

The technique works wonders since you reinforce your demand through persistence.
However, be careful who you use this with.
If you are going through an empty alley and a gang of men surround you and one of them points a gun to your head asking for cash, you can't just say: "I understand you want to kill me but I wont give you my cash".
-"Give it to me - last chance - else I'll kill you"
"I understand your requirements but I'm not in a position to give you my cash"
Bam - you're dead.

So do perform due diligence on your assertiveness skills.

These techniques give us the power to boost our self esteem. In the process we strengthen our relationships with those around us by being upfront and less manipulative.
"Wouln't it be loverly..." if I could've learnt about the wonderful facets of Assertiveness earlier? Well it's not too late. The "fog" is lifting. I see sunlight.