One liners

Groucho Marx - 'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'

Peter Kay (2 July 1973-):

'My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.'

Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)

'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.'

Woody Allen (1 December 1935-):

'Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.'

Billy Connolly (24 November 1942-):

'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'

W.C Fields (1880-1946):

'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'

Tony Hancock (1924-1968):

'This radio lark's a wonderful hobby, y'know. I've got friends all over the world, all over the world... none in this country, but friends all over the world.'

Les Dawson (1931-1993):

'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.'

Spike Milligan (1918-2002):

'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.'

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967):

'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.'

Gore Vidal (1925-2012):

'Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.'

Bob Newhart ( September 5, 1929-):

'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Jimmy Carr (15 September 1972):

'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". '

Ken Dodd (8 November 1927-):

'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.'

Mark Twain (1835-1910):

'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.'

Bill Cosby (July 12, 1937-):

'Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.'

Mae West (1893-1980):

'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.'